This morning I got up at seven o'clock and did some washing before Nana came down for breakfast. I worked hard all morning and did some baking.
1953, Jan. 10 (Sat)
...never before have I hit so many creatures so hard for so little reason...
1953, Jan. 14 (Wed)
1953, Jan. 31 (Sat)
...Mother says she is going to have Training College boarders...
1953, Feb. 9 (Mon)
...Harry arrived today. He seems quite nice and is about 35. He is very polite so far...
1953, Feb. 10 (Tues)
...I do hope Ross turns out to be nice. I have been looking forward to his coming so much that I will probably be disappointed... Mother kicked up a fuss about the way I always insist on doing the dishes and not letting anyone help. She says it worries her to think I'm working too hard.
1953, Feb. 13 (Fri)
...Mother was not well so I got up and prepared Harry's breakfast and had my own...
1953, Feb. 18 (Wed)
...Ron, the new boarder arrived. He is quite nice and about 25...
1953, Feb. 20 (Fri)
...Ross was up late this morning. Out for dinner and by the time I got home so I have not seen him all day.
1953, Feb. 22 (Sun)
...This evening after tea we decided to go to the beach. Mother and Nana did the dishes. Ron came with us. Ross was out to tea so naturally he did not come. We went to Brighton. Ron, Wendy and I went for a swim. Mother bought some chocolate and bicuits which we had in the car on the way home... A man called to buy Ross's motor-bike.
1953, Mar. 4 (Wed)
...Today many people came about board. We may be getting a Frenchman. I hope very much that we are...
1953, Mar. 9 (Mon)
...John helped me with my homework for about an hour. He says Damn a lot. I did a lot of homework...
1953, Mar. 11 (Wed)
...Ross and John were home for dinner, to which Juliet came...
1953, Mar. 15 (Sun)
Mrs Hulme was very grateful for the cigarettes and kissed me twice...
1953, Mar. 18 (Wed)
We have decided how sad it is for other people that they cannot appreciate our genius. But we hope the book will help them to do so a little, though no one could fully appreciate us.
1953, Mar. 20 (Fri)
1953, April 3 (Fri)
Today Juliet and I found the key to the 4th World. We realise now that we have had it in our posession for about 6 months but we only realized it on the day of the death of Christ. We saw a gateway through the clouds. We sat on the edge of the path and looked down the hill out over the bay. The island looked beautiful. The sea was blue. Everything was full of peace and bliss. We then realized we had the key. We now know that we are not genii, as we thought. We have an extra part of our brain which can appreciate the 4th World. Only about 10 people have it. When we die we will go to the 4th World, but meanwhile on two days every year we may use the key and look in to that beautiful world which we have been lucky enough to be allowed to know of, on this Day of Finding the Key to the Way through the Clouds.
1953, April 4 (Sat)
1953, April 6 (Mon)
The days I spent at Port Levy were the most HEAVENLY ones I have ever experienced... Mrs Hulme did my hair. She calls me her foster daughter.
1953, April 18 (Sat)
1953, April 23 (Thurs)
Mrs Hulme says she wished I was her daughter, too...
1953, May 15 (Fri)
Mrs Hulme told me they had found out today that Juliet has tuberculosis on one lung. Poor Giulietta! It is only now I realise how fond I am of her. I nearly fainted when I heard. I had a terrible job not to cry. It would be wonderful if I could get tuberculosis, too.
1953, May 16 (Sat)
I spent a wretched night. It was a relief to see Juliet looking so well. ... We agreed it was a great pity I had not TB too and it would be wonderful if I could catch it. We would be in the sanatorium together and would be able to write a lot. ... We have decided we are the most incredible optimists.
1953, May 23 (Sat)
1953, May 25 (Mon)
1953, May 29 (Fri)
...a girl who sat at the same table as us in a milkbar [said] how beautifully I spoke English, that I almost had an Oxford accent, what a refreshing change it was, and several other very pleasing things...
1953, June 12 (Fri)
The school went to see the film 'A Queen is Crowned'. I thought the picture was rather boring as a picture, but I picked up useful information for Charles' Coronation.
1953, June 14 (Sun)
Juliet and I decided the Christian religion had become too much of a farce and we decided to make up one of our own.
1953, Aug. 9 (Wed)
1953, Aug. 30 (Sun)
1953, Sept. 9 (Wed)
It was wonderful returning with Juliet... it was as if she had never been away... I believe I could fall in love with Juliet.
1953, late September, a Thursday.
1953, early October.
Nicholas was pleased that I was so early. We sat around and talked for an hour and then went to bed. I declined the invitation at first but he became very masterful and I had no option. I discovered that I had not lost my virginity on Thursday night. However, there is no doubt whatsoever that I have now.
1953, Oct. 8 (Thurs)
1953, Oct. 28 (Wed)
told Nicholas this evening that I was no longer very much in love with him because of my imaginary characters.
1953, Nov. 2 (Mon)
To-day I felt thoroughly, utterly and completely depressed. I was in one of those moods in which committing suicide sounds heavenly.
1953, Nov. 28 (Sat)
1953, end of the third-form year
Juliet and I had three midnight sprees, being Nigel and Philip. Juliet
did not turn up as arranged one night and I lay in wait for an hour at
Ilam. One of the nights we stayed at Ilam but on another we biked out
to Brighton and had a swim by moonlight in our singlets and pants. We
started whitewashing the stable one night but we did not manage to do
much and it was frightfully patchy and will have to be done again.
1953, Dec. 10 (Thurs)
1953, Dec. 14 (Mon)
I did not go to sleep last night, and I went to see Nicholas at 12:30. I was very tired and dozed off while I was there. Nevertheless I felt extremely tired this morning and work I would have considered dreadful had it not been that I was living in a daze waiting to see Pandora and the Flying Dutchman. Mother carted me off to see a doctor after work, which was a half-witted imbicile thing to do, especially as I feel perfectly well. The doctor was a bloody fool. I felt very tense and then we saw Pandora and the Flying Dutchman. It is the most perfect story I have ever known. The best picture (easily) that I have ever seen. Pandora is the most beautiful female imaginable and Him is far too wonderful to attempt to describe. I feel depressed and will probably cry tonight.
1953, Dec. 20 (Sun)
Mother woke me this morning and started lecturing me before I was properly awake, which I thought was somewhat unfair. She has brought up the worst possible threat now. She said that if my health did not improve I could never see the Hulmes again. ['HC' voiceover] 'The thought is too dreadful. Life would be unbearable without Deborah. ...I rang Deborah and told her of the threat. I wish I could die. That is not an idle or temporary impulse. I have decided over the last 2 or 3 weeks that it would be the best thing that could happen altogether, and the thought of death is not fearsome.'
1953, Dec. 24 (Thurs)
back of 1953-diary
THE ONES THAT I WORSHIP There are living among(st) two dutiful daughters Of a man who possesses two beautiful daughters The most glorious beings in creation. They'd be the pride and joy of any nation. You cannot know, nor (yet) try to guess, The sweet soothingness of their caress. The outstanding genius of this pair Is understood by few, they are so rare. Compared with these two, every man is a fool. The world is most honoured that they should deign to rule, And above us these Goddesses reign on high. I worship the power of these lovely two With that adoring love known to so few. 'Tis indeed a miracle, one must feel, That two such heavenly creatures are real. Both sets of eyes, though different far, hold many mysteries strange. Impassively they watch the race of man decay and change. Hatred burning bright in the brown eyes, with enemies for fuel, Icy scorn glitters in the grey eyes, contemptuous and cruel. Why are men such fools they will not realize The wisdom that is hidden behind those strange eyes? And these wonderful people are you and I.
1954, Jan. 1 (Fri)
I rose at about 9 this morning, and spent until 2 working very hard helping mother. My New Year resolution is a far more selfish one than last year, so there is more probability of my keeping it. It is to make my motto 'Eat drink and be merry for to-morrow you may be dead'.
1954, Jan. 2 (Sat)
I rose at about 9 this morning, and worked hard about the house which was not [as] unpleasant as it sounds as I truly enjoy housework.
1954, Jan. 10 (Sun)
We went to Coes Ford. I was furious when we first arrived. There were dozens of people there.
1954, Jan. 12 (Tues)
During the morning a boy came to see Mother about board... he arranged to come for two months and he arrived to stay this evening. He is tall and slim with glasses and fair hair. He seems to regard me as the maid-help aged 10.
1954, Jan 15 (Fri)
Val and I went down to the river. She said she liked the country but hated the people. As this is my sentiment exactly we pulled them to pieces for some time.
1954, Jan. 19 (Tues)
I did a great deal of housework today as Mother and everyone else seemed to be dashing off to see the Queen all the time.
1954, Jan. 25 (Mon)
This morning Mother gave me the most fearsome lecture because I started to wash the kitchen floor in my house coat.
1954, Jan. 28 (Thurs)
We procured bunches of grapes from the hothouse. We discussed various amusing topics. If we were prostitutes how much we should charge the various bods.
1954, Jan. 29 (Fri)
I went over to Deborah's room early this morning about 7:30. It suddenly occurred to me that we had not celebrated He's day so we decided to today. In He's honour we ate some birthday cake, drank He's health, played all He's records and made a little edifice of He. We have shifted His to the Gods now. We worked out how much prostitutes would earn and how much we would make in such a profession and 'should' gradually changed to 'shall.' We have spent a really wonderful day messing around and talking over how much fun we will have in our profession. We have worked out some glorious plans and worked out a whole new family for our future.
1954, Feb 6 (Sat)
1954, Feb. 13 (Sat)
As usual I woke at 5 and managed to write a considerable amount. I felt depressed at the thought of the day. There seemed to be no possibility of Mother relenting and allowing me to go out to Ilam. This afternoon Mother told me I could not go out to Ilam again until I was eight stone and more cheerful. As I am now seven stone there is little hope. Also one cannot help recalling that she was the same over Nicholas. She said I could not see him again until my behaviour improved, and when it did she concluded it was not having his influence that caused it. She is most unreasonable. I also overheard her making insulting remarks about Mrs Hulme while I was ringing Deborah this afternoon. I was livid. I am very glad because [the] Hulmes sympathise with me and it is nice to feel that adults realise what Mother is. Dr Hulme is going to do something about it I think. Why could not Mother die? Dozens of people are dying all the time, thousands, so why not Mother and Father too? Life is very hard. This evening Mr and Mrs Campbell have come. I had a pleasant bath...
1954, Feb. 21 (Sun)
1954, Feb. 28 (Sun)
1954, Mar. 14 (Sun)
Mother came out and said that I was not going back to school as she did not see why she should keep a horrid child like me [in school a moment longer]... The absolutely ironical part of it all is that I want to leave school terrifically but my pride would not let me ask.
1954, Mar. 19 (Fri)
Mrs Hulme has put her foot in it. She has tried to talk me into going back to school. Apparently Stew rang her as she was worried about my leaving. This is all very flattering but nevertheless a bloody nuisance.
1954, Mar. 31 (Wed)
1954, April 6 (Tues)
I pretended to go to my own bed, but of course did not. We spent most of our time in the dark making up dirty little jingles.
1954, April 7 (Wed)
Mrs X is known to be light fingered. This pleases us very much as we will be able to take things and Mrs X will be blamed. She will be the scapegoat.
1954, April 10 (Sat)
1954, April 11 (Sun)
I rose at 5:30 this morning and did all the housework before 8 o'clock, including taking Wendy her breakfast in bed. I feel very pleased with myself on the whole. And also the future. We are so brilliantly clever, there probably isn't anything we couldn't do.
1954, April 13 (Tues)
...Father came and told me that Mother was not well so I got up and prepared the breakfast. I did all the housework and had a row with Wendy this morning.
1954, April 15 (Thurs)
We read our books to each other. We are so impressed with each other's genius.
1954, April 16 (Fri)
We decided singing was the only branch of art we are not good at. We practised singing. We were both astoundingly good.
1954, April 17 (Sat)
Mrs Hulme was perfectly beastly to Deborah. She made her apologise for taking a record from Mr Perry's flat. This made us feel very cross and childish in a sort of I'll-show- them-so-there-and-that-will-make-'em-sorry feeling. We went for a walk in a field and sat on a log, shouting nasty jeering remarks to every rider that passed. About fifty did. This cheered us greatly, and we came back and wrote out all the Commandments so that we can break them.
1954, April 21 (Wed)
1954, April 23 (Fri)
I rose about 8 and helped Mother a little before going to Digby's. This afternoon I played Tosca and wrote before ringing Deborah. Then she told me the stupendous news. Last night she woke at 2 a.m. and for some reason went to her mother's room. It was empty, so she went downstairs to look for her. Deborah could not find her, so she crept as stealthily as she could into Mr Perry's flat and stole upstairs. She heard voices from inside his bedroom, and she stayed outside for a little while, then she opened the door and switched the light on in one movement. Mr Perry and Mrs Hulme were in bed drinking tea. Deborah felt an hysterical tendency to giggle. She said, 'Hello' in a very [illegible] voice. She was shaking with emotion and shock, although she had known what she would find. They goggled at her for a minute and her Mother said, 'I suppose you want an explanation?' Yes, Deborah replied, I do. Well, you see we are in love, Mother explained. Deborah was wonderful. But I know THAT she exclaimed, her voice seemed to belong to someone else. Her Mother explained that Dr Hulme knew all about it, and that they intended to live as a threesome. Anyway, Deborah went as far as telling about our desire to go to America in [illegible], six months, though she could not explain the reason of course. Mr Perry gave her 100 [pounds] to get permits. Everyone is being frightfully decent about everything and I feel wildly happy and rather queer... I am going out to Ilam tomorrow as we have so much to talk over.
1954, April 24 (Sat)
I rose very early, did all the housework and prepared breakfast. It rained cats and dogs (panthers and wolves). I biked out to Ilam and nearly froze on the way. Deborah was still in bed when I arrived and did not get up until some time afterwards... Then Dr Hulme came upstairs and asked us to come into the lounge to have a talk with him. He said we must tell him everything about our going to America so we told him as much as that we wanted [illegible] for acting characters to act each part. He was both hope-giving and depressing. We talked for a long time and then Deborah and I were near tears by the time it was over. The outcome was somewhat vague. What is to be the future now? We may all be going to South Africa and Italy and dozens of other places or not at all. We none of us know where we are and a good deal depends on chance.
1954, April 25 (Sun)
Dr and Mrs Hulme are going to divorce. The shock is too great to have penetrated in my mind yet. It is so incredible. Poor Father. Mrs Hulme was sweet and Dr Hulme absolutely kind and understanding... Deborah and I spent the day soaring between hell and heaven... Such a huge amount has happened that we do not know where we are. Dr Hulme is the noblest and most wonderful person I have ever known of. But one thing, Deborah and I are sticking [to] through everything (We sink or swim together).
1954, April 28 (Wed)
I felt rather tired to-day, but fortunately the time at Digby's went rather quickly. Mother went out this afternoon so Deborah and I bathed for some time. However I felt thoroughly depressed afterwards--and even quite seriously considered committing suicide. Life seemed so much not worth the living and death such an easy way out. Anger against Mother boiled up inside me, as it is she who is one of the main obstacles in my path. Suddenly a means of ridding myself of this obstacle occurred to me. If she were to die... I spent the evening writing and managed to finish my chapter.
1954, April 29 (Thurs)
I did not tell Deborah of my plans for removing Mother. I have made no [illegible. definite plans?] yet as the last fate I wish to meet is one in Borstal. I am trying to think of some way. I do not [illegible. want?] to go to too much trouble, but I want it to appear either a natural or an accidental death.
1954, April 30 (Fri)
Mrs C. came to tea and was thoroughly objectionable. Her ghastly attitude towards the Japanese has made me fonder than ever of them. I did not write this evening but I sat up and talked to Mother. I told Deborah of my intentions and she is rather worried but does not disagree violently. It is now 10:30.
1954, May 1 (Sat)
[Mrs Hulme] made a lovely remark. She said Won't it be wonderful when we are all back in England. Do you think you will like England Gina. I was delighted. ... We did not sleep together as we were afraid Dr Hulme might come in.
1954, May 2 (Sun)
We rose about 10. We sat in the park and discussed odd sods and who we should leave alive if we could rule the world.
1954, May 6 (Thurs)
We are feeling gloriously happy and we love our new fiances so much.
1954, May 23 (Sun)
Deborah rang to say that Mr Perry was taken suddenly ill. I do hope he does not die. It would spoil everything.
1954, May 27 (Thurs)
1954, May 29 (Sat)
We did not get up early as we were feeling so tired. We did the Saints and played records. We were very truthful about the Saints, especially their figures. This was not hard as we decided that we like a large amount of man.
1954, June 3 (Thurs)
...there was a wonderful photo of a portrait of Dr Hulme in the paper, so wonderful that I have cut it out and pinned it on cardboard on my wall...'
1954, June 6 (Sun)
...We went to sleep at 4:30 tomorrow morning after talking all night. We were discussing at first how we sometimes had a strange feeling that we had done what we were doing before. We realized why this was, and why Deborah and I have such extraordinary telepathy, and why people treat us and look at us the way they do, and why we behave as we do. It is because we are MAD. We are both stark, staring, raving mad. There is definitely no doubt about it and we are thrilled by the thought. (Proof n'est capos!) All the cast of the Saints except Nino are mad, too. This is not strange as it is probably why we love them. We have discussed it fully. Dr Hulme is MAD, as MAD as a March hare. We are feeling thrilled and scared by the thought.
1954, June 7 (Mon)
We rose realising how mad we are. Dr Hulme knows and he is mad, too. ... We wrote a great deal into the Saints' book and discussed Him. We realize now that we cannot be revolted. We can discuss the most unsavory subjects. (Such as whether the Saints sanitary habits are prevented by sex) during a meal...
1954, June 8 (Tues)
I dreamt about He for the second time and Deborah about This, also for the second time. We behaved exactly the same way in each other's dreams, so have put it down to telepathy.
1954, June 9 (Wed)
I was feeling particularly mad today. I raved quite a lot at Digby's and terrified the girl next to me... Mother and I had a disagreement as I wished to see 'Trent's Last Case' tonight and the bloody bitch would not let me... I have come to bed all scented and sweet (physically).
1954, June 10 (Thurs)
Mrs Hulme has told Deborah a great deal about the old subject and we have discussed it fully. We know a great deal more now.
1954, June 11 (Fri)
...we were then driven out to see It in 'Trents Last Case.' It was the first time I had ever seen It. Deborah had always told me how hideous he was, and I had believed her, though from his photos he did not look too bad. 'It' is appalling. He is dreadful. I have never in my life seen anything that, so... in the same category of hideousness, but I adore him (S'queer). We returned home and talked for some time about It, getting ourselves more and more excited. Eventually we enacted how each Saint would make love in bed, only doing the first seven as it was 7:30 a.m. by then. We felt exhausted and very satisfied...
1954, June 12 (Sat)
We came to bed quite early and spent the night very hectically. We went to sleep after getting almost through. We had a simply marvellous time and we definitely are mad but very pleasingly so...
1954, June 13 (Sun)
We gave ourselves two new Saints. 'Onward Heel' and 'Buster.' Of all people, my god. We had very amusing discussions about God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. In fact the whole day was very amusing and exciting... We spent a hectic night going through the Saints. It was wonderful! Heavenly! Beautiful! and Ours! We felt very satisfied indeed. We have now learned the peace of the thing called Bliss, the joy of the thing called Sin.
1954, June 14 (Mon)
...We were feeling absolutely exhausted which was scarcely surprising. We discussed which Saints we wished to have about us at such a time and found very few. We talked of Him's new character a little and loved it. We discussed the spicy ideas whom (s'queerly) we have grown to love... Two more spicy ideas became Saints... We intend to decorate the Cathedral. I am very happy. We have both spent a glorious Saintly day.
1954, June 15 (Tues)
...I had the most beautiful dream about That and Gay and Boinard and Deborah and myself at Port Levy. It was so heavenly that I am determined to make it come true. We came home late and we intend to sleep. It is a glorious night, very similar to the one at the island at Port Levy.
1954, June 16 (Wed)
...We came to bed late and spent a very hectic night. It was wonderful. We only did 10 Saints altogether but we did them thoroughly. I prefer doing longer ones. We enjoyed ourselves greatly and intend to do so again. We did not get to sleep until about 5:30. Obviously I am writing this to- morrow.
1954, June 17 (Thurs)
...confessed we were disappointed in the Saints so we had an absolute clean up and threw out 8 of them. We discussed the ones left fully and felt very happy over them. We did not misbehave last night.
1954, June 18 (Fri)
...We had several brilliant ideas to write an opera each, to produce our own films and to murder all odd wives who get in our way. We went to town and bought books to paste our characters in. We planned our various moiders and talked seriously as well...
1954, June 19 (Sat)
We practically finished our books to-day and our main idea for the day was to moider Mother. This notion is not a new one, but this time it is a definite plan which we intend to carry out. We have worked it out carefully and are both thrilled by the idea. Naturally we feel a trifle nervous, but the pleasure of anticipation is great. I shall not write the plan down here as I shall write it up when we carry it out (I hope). We both spent last night and the one before having a simply wonderful time in every possible way. We also planned a few odd pictures and recast most of the 'Saints' Christmas.' We burnt all our film books this evening.
1954, June 20 (Sun)
... and it was wonderful to watch. About GBP15 worth went up in ... We rose very early this morning at eight and messed around for a little while waiting for Gopsy to paint Deborah. While he did this, I tidied the room and messed about a little. Afterwards we discussed our plans for moidering mother and made them a little clearer. Peculiarly enough I have no (qualms of) conscience (or is it peculiar, we are so mad.) I was picked up at 2 p.m. and we went out to see Rosemary. I have been very sweet and good. I have worked in a little of our plan...... is going to have as her .... a copy of this story in my opera this evening. I ... about 9.
1954, June 21 (Mon)
I rose late and helped Mother vigorously this morning. Deborah rang and we decided to use a rock in a stocking rather than a sand-bag. We discussed the moider fully. I feel very keyed up, as though I were planning a surprise party. Mother has fallen in with everything beautifully and the happy event is to take place tomorrow afternoon. So next time I write in this diary Mother will be dead . How odd -- yet how pleasing. I have discussed various odd saints w her today as I thought it would be interesting to have her opinion . She loathes That & It. I washed my hair this afternoon. I came to bed at 1/4 to 9.
1954, June 22 (Tues)
'The Day of The Happy Event.' I am writing a little of this up in the morning before the death. I felt very excited and 'The night before Christmas ish' last night. I did not have pleasant dreams though. I am about to rise.
1954, June 22 (Tues) at the police station
All the Hulmes have been wonderfully kind and sympathetic. Anyone would think I've been good. I've had a pleasant time with the police talking 19 to the dozen and behaving as though I hadn't a care in the world. ... I haven't had a chance to talk to Deborah properly but I am taking the blame for everything.
1954, at Arohata
I have been walking around with tears streaming down my face lately. Oh Pandy, how I miss you. I, who adored you. I, who worship you. What did I do that I should lose you?